


chase the light

by casfallsinlove



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Sexual Content, lots of cute kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:21:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24134242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casfallsinlove/pseuds/casfallsinlove
Summary: “I’m in love with you,” Buck tells Eddie, like it’s a fundamental truth of the universe, the thing that keeps the stars in the sky and the ocean tides anchored to the moon.And Eddie. Eddie doesn’t know what to do with that.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 547





	chase the light

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic from Eddie's POV so I hope it's okay... He is my best soft boy.
> 
> This is set in some nebulous time after 'Eddie Begins' but only really mentions it very briefly.
> 
> This is pure tooth-rotting fluff. You have been warned.

“I’m in love with you,” Buck tells Eddie, like it’s a fundamental truth of the universe, the thing that keeps the stars in the sky and the ocean tides anchored to the moon. 

And Eddie. Eddie doesn’t know what to do with that. 

“What?” he rasps, like maybe he misheard. His head is spinning. He’s got a sleeping Christopher in his arms and is halfway out of Buck’s apartment having spent an evening stuffing his face with tacos and losing spectacularly at Mario Kart. All he’d said was ‘see you later’, and then Buck had to go and say _that._

Buck smiles, soft and uncertain, like he hasn’t just tipped Eddie’s world upside down. 

“I used to be scared to even think it,” he tells Eddie, in that earnest and honest way of his. “I’m not anymore. And I’ll say it as many times as you need until you’re ready to hear it.”

Eddie just stares at him.

“Goodnight, Eddie,” Buck says, not unkindly, and then shuts the door in his face. 

Eddie drives home on autopilot. He tucks Christopher in, reads a page and a half of a story when Chris tiredly demands it but can’t stay awake to hear it, uses the bathroom, strips down to his boxers, and collapses into bed, where he stares at his ceiling and replays what Buck said over and over and over in his head. 

It’s not like Eddie didn’t know, on some level, that what he has with Buck surpasses just friendship. He’s felt too many times the overwhelming fear and grief that comes with Buck being too close to death to pretend like it’s all platonic. 

But the swaying into each other’s space, testing boundaries, and innuendo-based teasing could all easily be chalked up to a crush or innocent flirting. Eddie has excused his own behavior that way more times than he count. It’s not like they’ve ever actually pushed things further. 

Except then Eddie thinks about when he was in the hospital a few weeks ago, about how Buck wouldn’t let go of his hand the whole way in the ambulance, or when the doctors were trying to tend to him, even though his knuckles were crusted with mud, dirt caught under his fingernails, an icy chill under his skin. He thinks about Buck eventually falling asleep with his head on the bed, Eddie’s entire arm trapped underneath him. Buck had looked so exhausted, yet Eddie was the one who’d fought his way out from underground. 

He remembers the way Buck had taken him home after, collected Chris from Abuela’s and scooped him into bed next to Eddie, layering blankets over the two of them and touching Eddie’s forehead as he fell asleep. He definitely remembers the next morning, unaware Buck had crashed on the couch until he woke to the smell of bacon and a blinding smile. 

So maybe Eddie thinks about it, lying there in bed. And maybe he thinks about getting to touch Buck, or kiss him, or hold his hand — things he’s never allowed himself to imagine could actually happen but are now within arm’s reach.

But he knows himself, and he’s not good at relationships. He loved Shannon so much but he still joined the army to get away from her and his unborn child. Even when she came back into their lives he wasn’t good enough, couldn’t be what she needed him to be. He wants so badly to be better, to teach Christopher that it’s okay to _feel_ and cry and talk about things, but he can never seem to take his own advice. The words just get jammed up in his throat. He’s a closed book, and the story isn’t even worth reading. 

A dull buzz from his phone makes him tense up, because it’s nearly midnight and there’s only one person who’d text him this late.

**From: Buck  
** **11:37pm  
** **_not gonna apologize but do wanna make sure you’re not freaking  
out too bad! remember to use your words not your fists_ **

And Eddie can’t help but choke on a laugh, because even now Buck is checking in on him. They both know that normally Buck is the one Eddie would go to about something like this, and here he is still trying to be that person. But Eddie doesn’t know how to reply. What does he say? That yeah, he is freaking out? That maybe he’s not freaking out enough? That they should talk properly about all this because there’s more to consider than just _feelings_ , there’s Chris and their jobs. That in the end none of that matters because all he really wants to do is climb Buck like a tree? 

He can’t say any of that. 

**Sent to: Buck  
** **11:44pm  
** **_I’m ok I think. I’ll come over tomorrow after I’ve dropped C at school. We’ll talk?_ **

Eddie presses send. Then, before he can doubt himself, he taps out:

**_Don’t want to hurt you._ **

He realizes how it sounds as soon as it’s gone, like he’s planning on letting Buck down gently. And maybe he is, Eddie doesn’t fucking know. But what he’d meant is that he’ll only end up hurting Buck the way he hurt Shannon, the way he hurt his parents when he left Texas, the way he hurt Christopher when he reenlisted. 

**From: Buck  
** **11:46pm  
** **_you won’t_ **

Eddie huffs out a breath that feels a little shaky. He rests his phone on his chest and closes his eyes. A tentative hope blossoms in the small spaces between his ribcage, wraps its tendrils around his heart and squeezes and he slowly falls asleep between one _maybe_ and the next. 

  
  


  
  
  
  


Things are a little harder in the cold light of day. Chris notices something is off during their morning routine but he just gives Eddie a side-eyed _look_ that is way too grown up for a nine-year-old. When they get to school Eddie kills the engine and twists in his seat, bites his lip and blurts out, “How would you feel if Buck was around a bit more?”

Chris lights up as he always does at Buck’s name and really, stupid fucking question Edmundo. 

“He’s already around _a lot_ ,” Chris says, matter of fact, “how much more are we talking?”

Eddie can’t help but laugh. “That’s a good point. Maybe, more sleepovers? But instead of on the couch, Buck might share my bed.”

Even saying it aloud sends a shiver down Eddie’s spine. He feels his face heat up and wills Christopher not to notice. 

“Carla says we have to find things that make us happy and hold them really tightly,” Chris explains haltingly. His arm comes out and thwacks uncoordinatedly into Eddie’s, so Eddie gently takes his hand and rubs his thumb over the tight muscles in Christopher’s little fingers out of long-standing habit. “Buck is your happy thing, Daddy.”

“Yeah,” Eddie breathes. “Yeah, maybe he is. Hey, how’d you get so clever, huh? You tryna outsmart your dad?”

A boisterous laugh escapes Chris and it’s infectious, leaves Eddie still grinning when he gets back to the truck after saying goodbye. His phone beeps as he’s buckling his seatbelt and his stomach swoops as he picks it up. 

**From: Buck  
** **8:04am  
** **_you still coming over? I got coffee and bear claws from that place you like_ **

Eddie replies to say that he’s on his way then lurches out of the parking lot into the tangled knot of LA traffic. It takes him forever to get to Buck’s and his nerves only increase with each mile until his knee is jumping and he’s practically sweating through his shirt. Which is dumb because this is _Buck_. He knows Eddie better than anyone, he’s not gonna expect some poetic outpouring of love from him. 

Although there’s a brave part of Eddie that wants to try anyway.

By some goddamn miracle he manages to pull himself together by the time he reaches Buck’s apartment. Usually he lets himself right in but today he knocks, because this feels important. When the door swings open, Buck grins at him. He’s in a t-shirt and sweatpants, hair soft and ruffled. He looks stupid hot. Eddie lets himself think that and feels no regret about it because he’s sure Buck has done it on purpose.

“Hey,” Buck says, a little too loudly. It’s only because Eddie can see right through him that he spots the hint of apprehension there. “I, uh, wasn’t actually sure if you’d come.”

Truthfully, Eddie tells him, “I’ll always come, Buck. Doesn’t matter what’s going on between us, you know that.”

A little guiltily, he thinks of the time during the lawsuit when that wasn’t really the case. He wasn’t there for Buck then, not like he should have been. And he didn’t let Buck see how much he was hurting, either. But he likes to think they’ve learned from that. Eddie’s not the same man he was then.

Buck reaches behind Eddie to push the door closed, bounces a little on the balls of his feet like he does when he’s anxious and heads into the kitchen where there’s a pastry box and two cardboard coffee cups on the counter. “Well, I figured coffee would sweeten the deal,” he says, holding one of the cups out for Eddie. 

“The deal being, what? _You?_ ” Eddie asks with a smirk.

“I know, it’s pretty sweet already,” Buck winks, and Eddie laughs despite himself. He could melt in relief at how uncomplicated this is, how comfortable he instinctively feels around Buck. 

Eddie takes the coffee cup only to place it back down on the counter. He takes a step closer to lessen the distance between them. 

“Tell me again,” he says quietly. 

Buck’s smile gentles. “Eddie. I’m in love with you.”

And maybe, just maybe, Eddie could get used to hearing that. He takes another step, until he’s so close he can feel Buck’s chest rise with each inhale. From there it’s easy to lean in until their mouths brush. 

Buck tastes faintly like toothpaste, his lips a little chapped, and his smile becomes so wide that it breaks the kiss. A lump forms in Eddie’s throat at the look on Buck’s face; wide-eyed wonder and delight. Like he can’t believe he gets to have this. And Eddie wants to give it to him, he really does, but he swallows and places a hand on Buck’s chest. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he confesses, voice quiet in the air between them. “I want this with you, Buck, I really do. But I’m—”

“Scared?” Buck interrupts. He makes a face. “Me too. But we have each other’s backs, right? So I’m diving in. Head first. ‘Cause… I think this could be really good, Eddie.”

Whatever scrap of hesitation Eddie had left dissolves in the face of Buck’s words and Eddie crashes into him, kissing him hard. He grips Buck’s waist, skin warm and solid beneath his palms, moans a little when Buck hauls him closer and places his hand on the back of Eddie’s neck, stroking his hair there. 

“I’m in love with you,” Buck laughs between kisses and graceless footsteps as they fall over each other trying to get upstairs while also removing their clothes. 

“I’m in love with you,” Buck whispers as they tumble onto the bed, lips pressed desperately against Eddie’s jaw, collarbone, navel, thighs — hickeys blooming to life under his touch. Eddie gasps, hand in Buck’s hair, urges him on.

“I’m in love with you,” Buck pants into his mouth, arms bracketed either side of Eddie’s head as they rock against each other, Eddie’s fingers digging into Buck’s back, feeling the smooth slide of muscles under skin as Buck jerks his hips forward and they both groan.

And, a little while later, “I’m so in love with you,” Buck sighs, as his release stripes Eddie’s trembling stomach, hot and tacky, and Eddie follows straight after with a string of fierce curses and the overwhelming sensation that everything has fallen perfectly into place. 

They kiss and kiss in the aftermath as they slowly come back down to earth. Eddie’s knees feel weak and his lips swollen. Eventually Buck smirks at him and says, “We are too damn good at that not to do that again. _Lots_.”

Eddie chuckles and shifts them so that Buck can rest his head on his shoulder. He presses his nose into Buck’s hair, loosely draping an arm around him. Buck sprawls out, inordinately pleased with himself as always, leg and arm flopping over Eddie and effectively pinning him to the mattress.

“Hey,” Buck says.

“Yeah?”

“Did I mention that I’m crazy in love with you?”

“Buck…” Eddie groans, even as his lips twitch and his face heats. 

“I can’t help it,” Buck laughs. “The floodgates have opened, man. Get used to it.”

All Eddie wants in that moment is to say it back as quickly and confidently as Buck says it. Because he does feel it, so wildly and completely that he thinks it could kill him one day. 

“I feel,” he starts slowly, deliberately, “more for you than I have for anyone, _ever_ , apart from Chris. I don’t know what the right words are for how much I love you.”

Buck’s breath catches and he kisses Eddie’s chest once, twice, three times before he says lightly, “Pretty good words right there.”

They should get up. They’re sticky and stink of sex and need a shower. There’s cold coffee sitting in the kitchen and Eddie’s got errands he needs to run. But right now, none of that seems as important as Buck kissing him back into the pillows and whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

Eddie decides everything else can wait. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Come be friends with me on tumblr! I'm [oliverstarked](https://oliverstarked.tumblr.com).


End file.
